10 Things I Learnt About Melbourne

1. Birds are much more coordinated there than in Brisbane. V formation…you get the idea.
2. Standing too close to tram doors whilst they are opening was never going to be a good idea. After trekking around the city with a daily ticket and no idea, we were getting rather desperate to locate the car again…and after missing our stop due to the tram drivers giving us approximately .00001 sec to get off, I reasoned that it was better to stand ridiculously close to the exit and jump out the second the beast stopped…well of course the doors decided to be accordion-style and that combined with a hip-satchel and an unfortunate position in the doorway led to my bag being consumed by the doors, a kindly Melbournite yanking my precious belongings out and almost missing our stop…for a second time.
3. The weather is as un-predicable as people say.
4. The people aren’t as trendy as people say.
5. Contrary to the commercial, Navman causes the arguments, not solves them. A driver that refuses to listen to instructions and navigator who can’t be bothered to give them is never going to work, and no matter how good your Navman may be, it will not take you where you don’t know you’re going.
6. Just because Subway sells smoothies, doesn’t mean you should try them. So the thrill of trying something just because you can’t ordinarily get it where you are is only thrilling when you experience some kind of ‘thrill’ when you try it; and pre-made, frozen packets of watery cordial rubbish does not result in any sort of thrill what-so-ever. And since when was re-blending already blended slushie mix ‘eating fresh’?
7. ‘Old Queenslanders…’ Melbourne… Melbourne… ‘Old Queenslanders.’ So the thought never crossed my mind before now, but after noticing the lack of brilliant design combined with ridiculously unstable stilts and verandahs, I came to the saddening realisation that there were just not going to be any ‘Queenslanders’ in Melbourne, or anywhere else apart from Queensland for that matter. Sad, but true.
8. Famous people don’t line the pavements just waiting for you to abuse them for an autograph or a photo. In fact, I didn’t see anyone even remotely famous. No bands…no comedians… no actors…nothing. Disappointment at its peak.
9. Whoever decided it would be a good idea to run trams in the middle of all the main roads was either very clever or very high. And that’s a moral.
10. Anything can be an airport – just so long as there is at least one moderately long, somewhat solid strip of ground you can whack a plane down on.